1:56pm November 13th]
you betttta have added my new lj
|i am sorry brosia.
2:20pm September 25th]
sorry i have not seen you yet.
things got crappy.
its so wonderful.
i hope to see you soon.
12:46pm September 13th]
last night i purchased the fuck up
by arthur neresian
i am now on page 74
its a great book
i have class in 13 minutes
my phone lost service today
it's been out for a few hours now.
i hate that feeling that i have RIGHT NOW
he has some control over me
&&it just is not fair
9:34am September 11th]
i have not updated in a while.
i don't even know where to begin.
things are busy like they should be.
i do not have any days to myself.
it all sucks.
but i suppose it will get me somewhere.
away from here.
&&this pointless life.
my life means almost nothing anymore.
i tire of even waking up in the morning.
i dread knowing that this is my life.
i fell for a boy
dont know how that is going yet.
he is a sweetheart
&&i like spending time with him.
but i am sure he does not like me.
i am setting myself up for another fall.
i'll fake you into thinking that i will be alright
while i slit my ex's tires.
that last part was from cory
he thinks i might be a little too emo.
i want somebody.
no new news.
this time i think i can handle it.
9:56am September 9th]
i miss him.
12:56pm August 27th]
do you like the beat?
the beat of my heart.
it seems to be the reason you keep it around
listen to the beat
listen to it close
does it make you happy?
knowing you are running the beat down
wearing me out
i want to be ripped to shreds
to fulfill your happiness
i want to go home.
she wants to be loved.
i want to sleep.
she needs to be held.
[come hold me].
the sky is dark
its tearing from your lies.
slice my heart
remove my eyes.
i want nothing more
then to be loved.
my mind has not been in the right place.
|i might be sick
6:50am August 7th]
i hate early mornings.
i love clifton.
i like sweethearts on the phone.
making out with ambrosia is hot.
oh yeah hehehe.
tomorrow i get to be with him♥
4:45pm July 29th]
i have gummy bears.
15 minutes left.
if i go home.....sharp things
"no innocent blood taken tonight,"
|slightly she sighs. slightly she dies.
8:10am July 29th]
fill me up with
cause i wish the world that i wasnt me
with no direction at all
im loosing faith in e v e r y t h i n g
by my alone time
i can see for the first time
h u r t f u l l words wont go away
i watch my dreams die off
it hurts to believe that words are just words
dwelling on my own thoughts
choking on self proclaimed asperation circumvent my own faults
for shadows collapse in my
reckling through my sunked life
shift a flame to all the pain
distant feelings are deep in me
i watch my dreams die off
as values make it
it hurts to believe
that words are just words without truth
and this sufficates me
slit my wrists through again
bleed me through these veinswiped
clean with hopes of a new day
---taking back sunday
all i want is something sharp
there is nothing at my desk
something the gleams
the gleam is my happiness
reflection of blood
reflection of a meaningless life
bring me out of this misery
[i think someone figured out slutspace at work]
the only thing to look forward to today.....
6:44am July 24th]
i sat here staring at the blank page wondering what i should right in this empty box.
empty heart.empty mind.empty box.
i almost feel void of any emotions lately.
not that i can't cry.laugh.smile.pout.
but i cannot hurt when i cry.
i cannot be happy when i smile.
i cannot feel people touch me.
i cannot feel myself touch me.
what is wrong?
my life is not horrible.
nothing is really that bad.
YES i am quite worried about school &&all the money.
and YES my job is getting quite annoying
&&it makes me depressed to be here.
however, nothing is wrong with me.
nothing but the emptiness that i have been unable to fill.
i see you.
i see him.
but i just cannot let them in.
i want to be held.
but i will not fit in any arms.
its like i have a 3 foot pole in front of me.
nobody can seem to get through.
&&i am not sure i want them to get in.
i want to be alone.
i want to be loved.
[side note::this fucking coffee is not doing its job. i think i am going to sleep right on the damn keyboard.thank god it is "friday" and woop for a show with my favorite coryface].
life seems strange to me right now.
just so unknown.
and i am not sure that i like that.
i want to know where i am going
&&what i am doing.
and i want to share that with someone
so why do i push everyone away?
there are times i do not pick up my phone.
&&i will not pick it up no matter what. sorry.
i just do not want to deal with anyone because it sometimes just seems.
i dont know.
i want to be held today.
i want to stop filling that void with a fuck
i think i need to stop acting like a guy.
they dont feel anything.
&&i was doing that.
i still am
i should work on that.
going to pop coryface now
thank god for internal chat at work.
coffee started working.
10:12pm July 21st]
|promise i am not slitting my wrists.
the only one that makes me aware is the one that lives a few thousand miles away.
i wont cut for him
|don't even bother to care
6:53pm July 15th]
I'll make this quick so you dont have to listen. I do not update much anymore. I find the internet to be lame. I hate getting on. I have grown tired of myspace. I have grown tired of being fake because every fucking person on myspace is.
dont pretend you are not. Then I got on here and I saw some of the same things. There were people that I would listen to and all of a sudden it was blah blah i am this cool shit. I do not want to hear/read it. Especially if you are giving me shit about fucking retarded things.
I am not fake. Do not get me wrong but I am good at pretending to be someone you want. I do however listen to the music I say and I will admit to listening to everything you hate. My favorite band is now on the radio. They are still my favorite band, I will not fucking change that. My clothes are bought from random stores usually on the sale rack. Fuck you. I have a shopping addiction and still need to pay 6 grand for college. My socks do not match and I like it that way.
I actually do enjoy going to shows to listen to bands. I do not want to be seen
scene. I just want to enjoy the music so many have tried to provide. I do not spit out names of people I know just to sound like I am important. I would rather hang out with someone nobody knows then to make you think I give a damn about a name. And if I happen to refer to a band member's name it is because I took the time to learn someone because I respect their musical talent.
I do slit my wrists on occasion as well as cutting my legs. I do not do this because you get awards for having the most blood spill. I cut to release the pain you will never see.
I do actually have goals in my life. I want to go to school and learn everything I can. Music is wonderful but I am not going to rely on it and rely on anyone else. I want to make it on my own. I respect my parents and do not tell me to defy them. I think those of you that treat your parents like shit need to realize what is going on. They may be strict and difficult but it will turn out to be for a great reason like suffering to put aside a few grand so that you can attend a college you love more than anything.
I am a dork. I do not care if you want to say something about that. I will probably get on your nerves and make you roll your eyes. Sorry I will not change. I love most my friends more than I love myself. I always want what I cannot have. If you are throwing yourself at me then I will not want you. I might use you though, and I do apologize. I do not mind being used.
I am a sponge.
Fucking absorb me.
I hate my job. I hate how I live my life sometimes. I hate when I get drunk. I hate when people lie to me. I do get hurt really easy and I will not let you know it. You will never know you ripped my heart out. I do not care what you think. I will never be more naked then I am right now.
|i got some mint tingle condoms.
6:02am July 1st]
i have been getting really sick a lot lately.
i dont know why
i got a great outfit for this family party
oh my gawd i love it
i wore a short sleeve shirt today
i cant stop looking
i am dumb
i need something
nobody to realpop yet
10:44am June 30th]
i still dont believe people
i cant believe they are so hurtful
i am glad that i still have some true friends
i love them all
and i am glad i saw timmy last night
it made me much better
i miss that kid
jeni made me smile
that comment owned my face
and yet they dont
work is lame
only a few more hours
haha like 6
lunch with cory
2 more breaks
I HAVE TO GET A DAY OFF WORK
my TM is totally crazy
he makes me nervous
oh well i must get it off
blah blah blah
a guy yelled at me for a half hour
he is some tech guy
then why did you fuck up your computer sir??
i cant think of anything to write
i am sorry to tim that i couldnt keep my promise
i will harder
i am glad he talked to me yesterday
i calmed down a bit in the middle of what i was doin
so it didnt get out of control
WILL WORK ON TIMS PROMISE
cause he isnt doing it anymore either
so i have to stop.
i will someday
i hate looking at it all...
4:26pm June 26th]
that damn holla back girl song is in my headIT'S BANANAS
B A N A N A S
somebody help me
|crackers and FOB
4:16pm June 26th]
grrr i am bored
the only thing that was keeping me going was cory
now he is gone
and i am more alone
now all i have is crackers
and my fall out boy CD
went to the store at lunch
they had FOB's evening out with your girlfriend
the only one i dont have the purchased copy of
the collection is complete
haha i am a nerd
3 days off.
tomorrow is saosin bitches
6:19am June 26th]
first day waking up at 4:30 for work
i got up just fine
then i get to work
the computer is like retarded
i couldnt remember the website i have to be on to do my work
then my computer crashed
then i got a call
my fucking phone wont pick up
i dont know if i fixed it or not
i am not sure if i am making it out of this day
and my space bar key is like retarded
it makes a lot of noise and i have to pound on it to get it working
and i am hear until 5.
that is like 10 1/2 hours...
cory has pretty hair
++i need a haircut
anyone have any great ideas?
i just dont know....
|i am sooo tired.
9:53pm June 22nd]
YAY thank you cory for learning that song for me
it meant a lot to me
YOU BETTER BE READING THIS CORY!!!!
i lubba ewe....sooo much
we betta be best buddies fo life
no more thinking you are not a good person
work was bad today
somebody yelled at me
then some lady got so mad with me
i almost cried
this is not meant for me
i lose my happiness....
6:55pm June 20th]
things are better
so i am told
i dont know
i am about to have a breakdown
and i am not sure why
i hate answering the phone
i have a run in my pantyhose
i'm not wearing pantyhose
its one of those days
i saw my brosia for like a minute
made me want to continue this day
and the fact that i have TEDDY GRAHAMS
i miss all my friends